Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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