trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
