its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
