i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Randomize
