I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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