If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
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There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Randomize