Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
