I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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