Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
