I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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