I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
