there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
