my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I haven't been this sober since birth.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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