the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
