I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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