Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
