I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
