What a fucking waste of an outfit
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
