Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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