If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Randomize
