if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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