mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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