how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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