Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Randomize
