All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I think I won the penis lottery.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize
