i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
stop calling my apartment porn island.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Randomize
