Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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