while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
