My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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