The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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