dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
