wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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