Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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