Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
