i think my tv is drunk
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
