its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I did not marry a roomba.
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