i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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