Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
