Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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