I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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