I should be sponsored by Trojan
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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