I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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