he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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