you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
My day in three words: secret purse cake
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
