i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Randomize
