Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Randomize
