I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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