just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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