either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
