I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
