Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
