I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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