so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
