I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
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