I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
