Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
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my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
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Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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