I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
