this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
